Big brothers ball busting bonanza

Listen, big brother; you might think you can touch me, pull my hair, or push me around. This would be a real mistake on your part. Although you might be bigger and stronger than me I am an expert in bringing arrogant guys like you to their knees. Let me explain, there are certain parts of a man's body where no amount of training or lifting weights can protect when a girl hits these weak points you guys tend to pull funny faces, squeal and collapse into a fetal position.

Yes, I'm talking about your testicles, those shrivelled up ugly looking things hanging between your legs that seem to dictate everything you do. 

(serious / angry tone) If you annoy me, I will kick your fragile nuts up into your throat. It will *not* be a pleasant experience, your balls will be sore, and you will feel like vomiting. You will be overcome with a sense of embarrassment that your little sister just smashed your balls flat. You balls would be swollen and black and blue. You wouldn't even be able to walk properly. You would waddle like a duck with your sensitive tender balls. Imagine how embarrassed you would be if I KO'ed your balls in front of your girlfriend.(Laugh) She would probably leave you because your micro-penis wouldn't work for a month. 

If you really annoy me, I might kick your testicles so hard they rupture. (Laugh) You *really* wouldn't enjoy that :)  The booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will connect sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Imagine how humiliating it would be to be castrated by my small foot, a big strong man like you reduced into a quivering pile of testicle pain by one kick.

It's ironic that the source of man's masculinity and strength can also be the source of so much pain and existential angst. Men have so many nerves in their balls; I guess that is why it is so pleasurable when a girl strokes your balls gently. We can take your testicles into our hands and roll your balls around between our fingers. We can gently tug on your scrotum pulling your balls away from your body. Your nerves tingle with pleasure. (Laugh)

And if you annoy us, then we will kick your testicles and all thoses bundles of nerves will come to life and scream in pain.  I've heard guys describe the pain as almost being like the end of the world. How would you feel about your sister kicking your balls so hard you think it's the end of the world? (Laugh). Imagine.. BAMM!! my foot collides with your tiny marbles sending them flying, and you have a religious moment and think it's the end of the world. (Laugh)

Was it just an evolutionary mistake that led to your fragile testicles hanging outside of the body? Hanging there ready to be kicked, kneed, pulled, crushed by women? I like to think this was mother natures gift to women as an equaliser, a stop button that girls can hit to bring an attack to an immediate end and the violent man to his knees. And as you lie there cradling your testicles, rocking back and forth desperate to alleviate the pain in your testicles you can maybe re-evaluate the life choices that led you to here. 

I think it's only fair that I warn you that I have attended a very comprehensive self-defence course in which attacks to the testicles were covered in detail. We learned how to grab, twist and pull the testicles off an attacker.  We practised that particular move with two golf balls in some tights. Apparently, you're supposed to pretend you're trying to start a gas lawnmower. You hands are wrapped around your attackers balls you then pull you arm back sharply and take a step back. Owieee that must hurt. (Laugh) 

Apparently, if you do it correctly, you can tear the testicles off your attacker. Do you want to try? (Laugh) I'm joking! I'm not going to touch your tiny balls with my hands. That would be gross!

We were taught to punch, knee & kick the testicles, and even the correct angle to do so for maximum effect!  Yes! there is a right and wrong way to kick a guy in the balls.

Let me explain, the testicles normally hang loosely in the scrotum, but when a guy is aroused they are drawn up against his body. Even so, they have the tendency to slip out of the way of any blow thus avoiding getting squished. We were taught that if you really want to KO a guy you need to not just kick his balls but squish them into his pelvis.

So if you are delivering a blow with your fist, knee or foot you have to come up from underneath so that you kick the balls straight up and crush the testicles against his body instead of pushing them aside.

Next time you think it's okay to annoy me you can imagine a hammer smashing some eggs on an anvil. Look at my bare foot, look at my tiny toes with the pretty red varnish. Yes, this foot will hammer your tiny testicles into your pelvis. I will kick your balls as flat as pancakes. Then you will be left on the floor with ruptured testicles wondering why you annoyed me in the first place.

What you don't think I have the guts to kick you in the balls? Oh you're probably right. I could never hurt a big man like you (THUMP).

Ohhh … that must have really hurt. You didn't expect that at all.

I hit you pretty fucking hard. I hit you dead centre in your scrotum.  I felt your testicles on the top of my foot and then SPLAT! Your balls ended up on either side of my instep. It's okay take a deep breath.  (giggle)

Don't try and speak.

(Annoyed) Repeating "MY BAWWLS" over and over isn't going to help. You really did deserve that. That was only around 20% of my full force. Next time you annoy me I'm going full force. You will not be in a position to moan or cradle your balls. I will just smash your balls into outer space, and you will wake up in a hospital with your testicles in a sling. Do we understand each other? Great! *blow kiss"